*****

Recorded Reading (3:48): https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/7fp63emp9w7i8he64q27y/Record-873.mp3?rlkey=bydmhtf8h06ak0l5dzwolqlx4&dl=0

*****

when i wasn’t paranoid

it was when
i wasn’t paranoid
that i didn’t listen
for the little rumors building

on top
of one another

on top
of me

till they pushed
my head
into the dirt
of false public opinion

it was when i assumed
that we all
were working for the best
that i was blindsided
by jealousy

it was when i imagined
that excellence in anything
thrilled everyone
as much as it does myself
that i was astonished
by the vigorous united
venom
of my ouster

it was when i credited sweet words
that I had to walk
into the cold night
leaving my only warmth behind me
two blankets i was sharing
with a supposed friend

… that i gave up my last pennies
way over contract
just to be allowed to stay indoors
with my bags
till morning

… that I was judged in
the courts of the street
from which there is no appeal
ducking out just ahead
of the lied-to gang
of enforcers

… that i found the strength
to jump that six foot fence
in order to avoid what was
coming toward me behind it

it was when
i wasn’t prepared
that i found myself
locked away from
everything i owned
with no notice
and no recourse

it was when i assumed
that everything was on the
up and up
that i found drugs
scattered outside my door
and strange perfume inside it

… my mail opened

… my belongings disturbed

… or missing

… myself accused of everything
from inconsideration to manipulation to theft

it was after i trusted too much
that friends shook their heads
and smiled

how could you not
have seen that coming
they asked

you let yourself be
deluded

… delusional.

so the choice, then
i guess
for the impoverished
who must live
among the predators
of the impoverished
is between
delusion
and paranoia?

these days
i scan the possibilities

work to prevent the worst

a stitch in time…
as they used to say
back when i
wasn’t paranoid

that was a long time ago
before i was paranoid

but guess what

all this long time later

i’m still around
to discuss it

*****

This poet presently lives at a fraction of her nation’s poverty level.

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