In the background of this recording may be heard one of the roosters here at Ascension Ranch.

*****

Recorded Reading (2:56): https://www.dropbox.com/s/afgrdbce3pnlbxc/Three%20Inch%20Nails.mp3?dl=0

*****

Three Inch Nails

Partying young women
Please take note
I have for you a
Practical note,

Wisdom I’ve not
Got by chance
But by hard-earned
Experience:

If you with glamor
Wish to glisten,
My fine young miss,
You’d better listen:

There are things
You settle on
Before you put
A costume on

For dress-up balls
Or Halloween
You must know
There are things between

Which no calm good,
No costume peace (OW!),
Can ever come
To your release,

If you do not
My words apprise,
And are ever
So unwise

In the hall
Or in the heather
Put those pieces
On together…

If you have
A poncho on
Put no wig
Your head upon

For when you go
That shawl to doff
It will take
The wig right off!

You must watch
Your length of scarves
When out walking
On the wharves,

Romantically
With Rover,
Because when you
Must bend over

To eliminate
His poop,
That scarf will
Tangle with your scoop (EW!!)

But most
Importantly of all,
If list’ning
To me at all,

You really have
To get this right ~
It’s such a very
Hard-won insight!

I was bosom
Friends, you see
With one unwise
Sufficient be

To think she could
At once command
Fishnet hose,
And on each hand

— Oh, this story’s
Just so wrong! —
Fake nails, full
Three inches long

Okay, maybe
A little shorter
But she felt
She had to sport ‘er

Fashion so
Obviously,
Turned out to
Deep trouble be

— Here’s where she
Picked up her frown:
Unable to
Fenagle down,

Nor yet again,
You guessed it, yup —
Get those fishnet
Stockings up

Without elim-
Inating those
Until they wouldn’t
Work as hose…

Needless to say
You know the rest
Our friendship was
Put to the test

Surviving something
Just plain wrong
You know I spent
That whole night long

On July
The freaking Fourth
Hustling my butt
Back and forth

Prevent her from
Getting a ladder ~
That girl had
The smallest bladder,

Just to call
A spade a spade,
In any girl
God ever made

I was a wreck
By dawn next morning
So you’d better
Take this warning

Though your head’s
Of party full —
Make sure your duds
Are practical!

*****

This poet presently lives at a fraction of her nation’s poverty level.

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